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    Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

    This is a discussion on Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children within the General chat forums, part of the Community channel category; A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the head keeper ...

    1. #31
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      A bloke gets a job at the local zoo and on his first day he goes to the
      head keeper and asks what he wants him to do. The head keeper tells him
      to clean out the tropical fish tank. So he is busy scrubbing the sides
      of the tank with all the brightly coloured tropical fish darting about,
      when a great big monstrous fish swims up and bites his hand. He tries to
      shake it off but it won't let go and in desperation he starts to hammer
      the creature against the side of the tank.

      Eventually it lets go but sadly it dies in the struggle and floats to
      the top. "Sh*t!" thinks our man, "first day on the job and I've killed
      one of the exhibits, what am I going to do?" He decides he has to get
      rid of the evidence and the lions look like the best bet because they
      will eat anything.

      Stuffing the fish under his coat he sneaks off to the lions enclosure
      and while no one is looking he lobs it over the fence where it is
      devoured by the lions.

      He goes back to the head keeper and asks what he wants him to do next.
      The keeper tells him to sweep out the monkey cage. So he is merrily
      shovelling up the muck from the bottom of the monkey cage when - splat!
      A lump of turd hits him on the back of the head. He turns around to see
      a playful pair of chimpanzees gibbering with delight at their new game.

      Our man gives the mischievous monkeys a firm stare and tries to carry on
      cleaning the cage - splat! Goes another turd, and splat! Another makes a
      direct hit. For an insane moment our new boy's patience snaps and in a
      fit of rage he swings round with his shovel and clatters the 2 monkeys,
      killing them stone dead.

      "Sh*t and double sh*t!" thinks our man, "look what I've done now, what
      am I going to do?" So he thinks to himself, the lions worked last time
      maybe I'll try it again, they eat anything don't they? He drags the dead
      monkeys to the lion enclosure and lobs then over the fence where they
      are promptly devoured by the lions.

      Again our hapless worker goes to the zoo keeper and asks what wants
      doing next. Where he is told to collect the honey from the Amazonian
      killer bees. He is busy pulling the honey filled boards from the beehive
      when a bee stings him, then another and another until the whole swarm of
      bees is buzzing angrily around his head. In a panic he lashes out with
      the honey soaked board and batters every last bee into a pulp.

      "Sh*t, Not again!!!" he thinks and as you might have guessed the lions
      eat anything, so again he takes the evidence to the lion enclosure and
      throws it in, where they are devoured by the lions.

      The next day a new lion is delivered to the zoo. The lion strolls into
      the lion enclosure and meets the rest of the lions.

      "Hello" he says.

      "All right" say the other lions

      "What's it like here then?" asks the new lion

      "Not bad" say the other lions

      "Food ok?" enquires the new lion

      "Yeah, brilliant, yesterday we had Fish, Chimps and Mushy Bees!"



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    3. #32
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      The greatest fairy tale ever told!

      Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"

      The girl said "No!"

      And the guy lived happily ever after and went fishing, golfing, drank lots of beer and farted whenever he wanted.

      The end.
      Cannot Understand Basic English 623

    4. #33
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      Two blokes in a pub, one turns to the other and says, 'you know bob...my mother in laws an absolute angel to me', bob replies, 'you lucky *******, mines still alive'.
      NO SATELLITE SIGNAL RECEIVED - AGAIN...

    5. #34
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      A guy walks into a bar and orders six double vodkas.

      "Wow," says the bartender. "You must have had one hell of a day."

      "I sure did," says the guy as he downs one shot after another. "I just
      found out my older brother is gay."

      The next night, the same guy comes into the bar and immediately orders another six double vodkas.

      "Another bad day?" asks the bartender, lining up the shots.

      "Damn right," says the guy. "I just found out that my younger brother
      is gay, too!"

      The third night in a row, the same guy comes in again and orders
      another six double vodkas.

      The bartender says, "Jesus, man -- doesn't anybody in your family like
      women?"

      "Yeah," says the guy. "My wife."

    6. #35
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      80-year old Bessie bursts into the rec room at the retirement home.


      She holds her clenched fist in the air and announces, "Anyone who can guess what's in my hand can have sex with me tonight!"


      An elderly gentleman in the rear shouts out, "An elephant?"


      Bessie thinks a moment and says, "Close enough!"

    7. #36
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      Little Jonny comes home from school and hears a commotion coming from his parent's bedroom. He creeps in to see his father giving his mother one - His father tries to laugh it off, throws a pillow at Jonny and tells him to get out. Later on his father hears a commotion coming from Little Jonny's room, he opens the door to see Jonny giving his Nan one - "What are you doing Jonny?" cries his father
      Jonny replied:
      >
      >
      >
      >
      >
      "It's not as funny when it's your mum, is it!"


      Mods- please delete if that one was too much!
      Last edited by jayhab; 08-09-07 at 11:14 AM.

    8. #37
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
      WITNESS: No.
      ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
      WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
      ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
      WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law

    9. #38
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      Re: Tell Me A Joke - NSFW or Children

      jesus returns from the grave and gets an agent to book him some comeback gigs so he does london ,newyork and hollywood ,goes down a treat ,his agent phones him and says he's got a new gig in israel ,jesus says he aint going ,why not says agent .......
      wait for it

      because says jesus the last time i went to israel the *******s hammered me with tacks

     

     
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