Jokes / Fun Section

[dholdi]

Maybe we could have a section dedicated to jokes etc. Heres a starter for 10.


Dave was bragging to his boss one day. "You know I know everyone there is to know.
Just name someone, anyone and I know them." Tired of his boasting his boss called his bluff. "Alright Dave how about Tom Cruise?"
"No drama's boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to
Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door and Tom Cruise shouts "Dave, what's happening? Great to
see you, come on in for a beer."
Although impressed, Dave's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Dave that he
thinks him knowing Cruise was just lucky. "No, no, just name anyone else." Dave says. "President Bush"
his boss quickly retorts. "Yes." Dave says: "Old buddies, let's fly out to Washington." And off they go.
At the White House, Bush spots Dave on the tour and motions him and his boss over saying, "Dave, what
a surprise was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of
coffee first and catch up." Well, the boss is very shaken by now but still not totally convinced.
After they leave the White House grounds he expresses his doubts to Dave, who again implores him to
name anyone else. "The Pope!" his boss replies. "Sure!" says Dave, "My folks are from Germany, and I've
known the Pope a long time." So off they fly to Rome. Dave and his boss are assembled with the masses
in Vatican Square when Dave says. "This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these
people. Tell you what, I know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony
with the Pope." And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure enough, half an hour
later Dave emerges with the Pope on the balcony but by the time Dave returns, he finds that his boss has
had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss' side,
Dave asks him, "What happened?" His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, Who the hell is that on the balcony with Dave?"

[Alan b]

A woman was standing naked in front of her bedroom mirror, her husband was on the bed.

Wife: "I an ugly, fat and un-attractive, please pay me a complement"
Husband: "You have really good eyesight".

[psu300]

Heres is one i picked up.

Birthday Gift

The man walked over to the perfume counter and told the
clerk he'd like a bottle of Chanel # 5 for his wife's birthday.

'A little surprise, eh?' smiled the clerk.

'You bet,' answered the customer. 'She's expecting a cruise.

[Simon]

ooh I could tell you a few but the censor filter would tear them to shreds lol.

[psu300]

Here is another one.

The Bathtub Test

During a visit to the mental asylum, a visitor asked the Director how do
you determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.

'Well,' said the Director, 'we fill up a bathtub, then we offer a
teaspoon, a teacup and a bucket to the patient and ask him or her to empty the bathtub.'

'Oh, I understand,' said the visitor.
'A normal person would use the bucket because it's bigger than the spoon or the teacup?'

'No' said the Director, 'A normal person would pull the plug. Do you want a bed near the window?'


ARE YOU GOING TO PASS THIS ON, OR DO YOU WANT THE BED NEXT TO

[Isitme]

Here's one-
Once there was a mad scientist who worked by himself in his laboratory. He was so lonely that one day, he decided to clone himself. Everything worked perfectly, except that the clone had a very foul mouth. The scientist worked with the clone, but alas, he could not make the clone clean up his language. He got so tired of the clone's language that one day he pushed him off the end of a cliff.

A policeman rushed up to him, and yelled "You are under arrest! You are under arrest!"


"What for?" the mad scientist asked. "Murder? Or would it be suicide?"


And the policeman's answer was, "Neither. It's for making an obscene clone fall."

By the way Dholdi, you should update your starter, Jeremy would point out that the Pope is German.

[dholdi]

By the way Dholdi, you should update your starter, Jeremy would point out that the Pope is German.

Yeah, I thought that when I first read it, but my editing at the time was focused on the swearing. Who's Jeremy ? Does he know Dave ?

[Isitme]

Paxman, I was going to put Bamber, but I couldn't spell his second name, just in case someone asked.

[dholdi]

Getting a hairdryer through customs A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father may I ask a favour?'
'Of course child. What may I do for you?'
'Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my Mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?'
'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.'
'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'
When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'
'From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.' The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'
'I have a marvellous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is to date, unused.'
Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next!

[Ned Ludd]

Cheltenham Races

A group of primary school infants, accompanied by two female teachers,
went on a field trip to Cheltenham races to see and learn about
thoroughbred horses.
When it was time to take the children to the toilet, it was decided that
the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach
the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and
began hoisting the boys up, one by one, holding their willies to direct
the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said,
'You must be in year four.'

'No, madam,' he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the 2.15.'