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    Jokes / Fun Section

    This is a discussion on Jokes / Fun Section within the Everyday Life forums, part of the Community channel category; Another Irish one Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the ...

    1. #11
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      Another Irish one

      Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the poor creature?'Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; wecannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no telling what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do you think 5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic?

      TomD


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    3. #12
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      A New Mall is built close to a Hamish family.
      One day the father on impulse decide to take the whole family for their first vist to such a place. On entry the Mother and daughter head for the Womens Clothing whilst the father and son wander around gazing at the chandeliers and escalators.
      Eventually the become fascinated by two Large silver doors with a number 5 above. Has they watched the number counted down to 1 and doors opened and out came a beautiful young blonde.
      They both looked at each other wondering what was happening. Just then a little old lady came and entered the doors. The numbers counted up to 5 and a halted for a minute or so then the numbers counted down to 1, the doors opened and out came a beautiful young blonde.
      The hamish farther turned to his son and said "Quick son go and get your Mother"

    4. #13
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      heres some for ya

      Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.


      He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.


      The doctor looked at Paddy and said,
      'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.


      Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

      'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

      Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008!

      We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.
      I could have put dem back on and made you like new!
      Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

      And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick them up !!





      Couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a checkup, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember

      Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
      'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
      'Sure.'
      'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
      'No, I can remember it.'
      'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so's not to forget it?'
      He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries. '
      'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
      Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
      Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes,
      The old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
      'Where's my toast ?'

      Please take a moment and upgrade your bit torrent client to the latest version.
      Help traffic shaped users by enabling protocol encryption in Az or T


    5. #14
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      A Scotsman goes to the dentist and asks how much it is for a tooth extraction. "85 for an extraction sir" was the dentist's reply.

      "Och huv yer no got anythin' cheaper" replies the Scotsman getting agitated.

      "But that's the normal charge for an extraction sir" said the dentist.

      "What about if yer din't use any anaesthetic?" asked the Scotsman hopefully.

      "Well it's highly unusual sir, but if that's what you want, I suppose I can do it for 70" said the dentist.

      "Hmmmm, what about if yer used one of your dentist trainees and still without anaesthetic" said the Scotsman.

      "Well it's possible but they are only training and I can't guarantee their level of professionalism and it'll be a lot more painful. I suppose in that case we can bring the price down to say 40" said the dentist.

      "Och that's still a bit much, how about if yer make it a trainin' session
      and have yer student do the extraction and the other students watchin'
      and learnin" said the Scotsman hopefully.

      "Hmmmmm, well OK it'll be good for the students I suppose, I'll charge you only 5 in that case" said the dentist.

      "Och now yer talkin' laddie! It's a deal" said the Scotsman. "Can yer confirm an appointment for the wife next Tuesday?"

      ---

      TomD


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    6. #15
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      A bit late, as Chistmas is now over, but here is one from me.

      When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure.

      Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

      When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where.

      Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

      Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.
      Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

      The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

      And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.....

    7. #16
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      Quote Originally Posted by User Name View Post
      And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.....
      LOL
      funny enough, I always do that with my angel.

    8. #17
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      Three girls in the antenatal clinic. The redhead said 'I'm going to have a baby boy'.
      'How do you know that?' she was asked.
      'Because my husband was on top when I conceived'.
      The brunette said 'I'm going to have a baby girl'.
      'How do you know?'
      Because I was on top when I conceived'.
      The blonde bursts into tears.
      'What's wrong, honey?' asked the other two, very concerned.
      Through her tears, the blonde said 'I'm going to have puppies!'.



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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      Three men, a Scouser, a Manc and a Rasta all in the maternity ward waiting for their partners to give birth. The midwife comes out and tells them congratulations, they're all fathers of beautiful healthy boys, however unfortunately they've run out of the name tags, and the babies have been mixed up, so if they could each go in and identify their sons from any family resemblance etc. The Manc wants to go first, so in he goes and comes out with a black baby The Rasta looks a bit confused, "excuse me", he said, "but don't you think he's likely to be mine ?" "Probably", said the Manc, "but one of them in there's a scouser, and I'm takin' no chances !!!!!

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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      Spot The Mobile Speed traps.

      Spot the Trap game!

    11. #20
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      Re: Jokes / Fun Section

      Headline on MSN Today:
      "Paris Hilton has claimed that she's only slept with a couple of men."


      Does this mean she is only into threesomes?
      Last edited by murdock; 09-01-09 at 03:17 PM. Reason: typo

     

     
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